Monday, December 14

12 Days of Christmas: Insatiable

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As the holidays arrive and we all start making lists and requests, I remember how insatiable I am. How desperately insatiable I am, and how no gift or box or present will satisfy.
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A couple of years ago, a friend had a bottle of wine on her table called 'Insatiable'. I clearly remember asking what that meant, to which she replied "impossible to satisfy". I shamefully identified myself,
"I'm that...insatiable".

I carried that for years, and still do today. However, before, I saw it more like I'm a woman who can't be pleased. I'm that awful cliche that men repeat in the locker room, as though we women are the problem. I'm the one always looking for more.

Today, though, I see it much differently. Isn't everyone insatiable, hungry for more? Even those who say 'God is my everything' and 'I do not want because He provides'; aren't they insatiable? I hope so. If not, it means you've lost the wonder that is God, you've lost the desire to know what "living abundantly" means. If you never feel like you long for more, you've maybe shut down that part of you that has descended from Eden.

I hate, by the way, feeling insatiable. I hate the longing and the pain for more, for what I know is never within reach. I hate, every year, feeling the longing of a holiday where I feel rest--real, deep rest. The holiday I hope for true joy and gladness, the holiday where all is right in the world, there is no pain, there is no suffering. There is only laughter and significant, authentic love. Then, to realize, that holiday hasn't come.

This year, I'll receive your gifts with gladness and gratitude because I do believe gifts show love in a unique way. But I will come up short on my list of ideas and suggestions because I want what no man can give me. I accept being insatiable because it means I know what it is to suffer apart from God, I know what it means to long for His presence, His love, His world. This insatiability in me can be mocked in locker rooms, put on the sides of bottles, and looked down upon, but inside I know this insatiability reflects my humility, my pain, my yearning for healing.  Though it does not feel pleasant, it feels good and true.

I hope for you this season you recognize how insatiable you are, too, and how good that is.

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