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Vulnerability.
Turns out, not always such a cool thing. Typically, yes. Always, no.
Sometimes being vulnerable with the wrong person turns into not-so-funny jokes at your expense. Sometimes it turns into harsh comments and prods to think a little further about what you're saying. Sometimes it just sounds like nonsense to other people and it's discounted as ridiculous. And sometimes vulnerability opens you up to un-protection from those people who only want to break you down. Vulnerability can sometimes demolish those boundaries that you've built up to keep the bad out.
This is just a new concept to me. I've always been one to say that I'm a heart follower--a person who practically walks with her eyes closed because she feels so in tune with her heart. And on that note, I've been told my heart is evil, so this could actually be a little dangerous. However, I think I'll beg to differ.
3 Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Psalm 37
The truth is, when you "boil it down" (as the man put it at church this morning) all the desires I carry in my heart-pocket lead right back to God. I want a healthy, loving, strong marriage. Well, who created and modeled marriage first? I want a family complete with tiny toddlers running and giggling, painting the walls with smiles and memories. Who created me to have children, anyway? I want a couple of really great girlfriends, who I can call any hour, meet any day, and talk about all things 'women'. Who gave me the ideas of fellowship? And I want to be surrounded by family as often as possible, on trips and vacations and holidays. Who made me in this family unit in the beginning?
I want lots of things in this life, most of them including the things I write about--love, happiness, laughter, words, and memories--but not because my heart is evil and could lead me to places elsewhere, but because my heart is made like His. And when I keep my focus, my primary desire, in Him, he'll deliver these things because He wants them for me too. I do not have to live with my eyes only, accepting what I am taught by books or people older than me.
100 I have more understanding than the elders,
for I obey your precepts.
101 I have kept my feet from every evil path
so that I might obey your word.
102 I have not departed from your laws,
for you yourself have taught me.
103 How sweet are your words to my taste,
sweeter than honey to my mouth!
104 I gain understanding from your precepts;
therefore I hate every wrong path.
105 Your word is a lamp for my feet,
a light on my path.
Psalm 119
Be careful who you're vulnerable with. Some people just don't respond like you would hope. Some people are not kind and offering in the midst of your pain. In fact, a lot of people will react out of fear or mockery, mostly because you're different. But trust that vulnerability with God is okay. In fact, it's the best. Tell Him that today you're angry, and yesterday you were depressed. Tell Him that you're longing for something different in your life. Chances are, He wants different for your life, too. It is O.K. to not have it all together, to think bad thoughts, to want more or different, because you're human. And who created you as a human? He knows where you're at today and he knows what hurts the most. He can handle any blame or anger you've got, especially if you're in the position where you are seeking Him. And to trust in Him that He'll bring you others who will treat your vulnerability with kindness and respect, will prove to be more reliable and safe than you could have imagined.
Need help today? Have any questions? Please email me at aly717@hotmail.com. We'll chat. ;)
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