"I never doubted God’s love, but I doubted the vastness of it. A God that loved me enough to give Himself up for me does not sit idly by as I give myself away." -- (http://goodwomenproject.com/sex/sex-secrets-sought-after)
Only moments after reading that, I posted this;
The restlessness, the agony, the hurt, the fight that you feel when you are struggling against sin and fear, do not come from your inability to leave sin and fear, it comes from deep within the heart, deep down where God is calling you to rise.
I have no idea where these things come from, I just happen to spill them out on keyboard. It is not by any stroke of brilliance that I come up with the words, but it just shouts brilliance to my heart. And I think that's why God has me write, sometimes. I think it goes something like, "Alyssa, sit down, listen to what I'm saying and type it out. Then you'll see it, you'll hear it, you'll heal with it."
How many times have I prayed, in the last week or so, 'God, please be with me again today. Please protect me from evil and temptation, please hold my hand." When even I know that He never leaves. What I didn't know is that He never steps aside, either.
Even on the days that I feel full of evil and fear and nothing-good-ness, He is here and He is not just watching the show. He is not calmly sitting on the sideline, hoping that I'll catch that pass, dodge that tactic, or run right passed the defense. He is not eating popcorn and waiting for me to throw in the punch line. he is fighting. For me.
One of my saving verses has been Exodus 14:14; The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still. So why, God, why have I not seen a grand act of battle that ends in victorious glory and all the bad temptation and icky has fled?! Why, oh why do I feel as though I'm still the only one fighting here?
Because I hadn't looked past my flesh and bones, I hadn't actually heard the words, I hadn't understood the struggle. Not yet, anyway.
But today, I understand the struggle. I understand the agony that my heart feels from dawn to dusk. I understand the internal (forget tug) nudging push in the depths of my soul. I understand that that exact place is where He is doing Hid fighting, that's where His victory is happening.
If I didn't feel these things, I would feel a lot more like I was being thrown to wolves, hurled into the waves, and tossed around like a rag doll in all my emotions and worries and unknowns. If I didn't feel the deep desire to be better, to be holy, to be connected with my Father, I'd be victim to the raging evils. But I am not. I. Am. Not.
I am not victim, I am not alone, I am not fighting without strength.
I have wondered how I will ever make it through this season, how I will ever feel better, how I will ever leave this part of me that has been so hurtful to the true me. I have been asking and praying and downright begging to just be what I am not right now. And those prayers are being answered by the fight that is within, the fight that is being fought for me, the fight that will win and be victorious, the fight that ultimately ends in God's glory and truth.