Monday, February 6

blinded

"Desperation blinds reason."

Desperation is a unique and foreign state. Desperation is so unnatural that you won't know you've been there, unless you know you've been there. There is fear, anxiety, worry and apprehension, but desperation is not one to be so easily categorized.

I had been desperate for a change, desperate for some answers, desperate for some help, but I had never actually been in desperation. I had never experienced an emotion that caused panic without notice and took away any ounce of hope I ever had.

I was desperate for answers and healing, and desperate to know what was real, but it was the fear that nothing would ever change, the worry that I had made a huge mistake, the anxiety that I was falling from the cliff of sanity, and the terror that I was choosing lies and sin over a righteous path my Father paved for me, that led me into the tunnel of desperation.

And it didn't matter what anyone said to me.

"This happens to a lot of couples."
"The will get better. Give it time"
"This is the right path for you, you're in the right place."
"Choose God, choose truth."

I just couldn't see any of these reasonings, any of the answers. I couldn't see that things would get better or that this might actually be part of God's plans. I could not see that I would ever find myself out of the hurricane known as my first life-crisis. The desperation I felt to be out of the situation blinded me from seeing that there was still good happening between the waves and that there is always hope.

And there are still days, brief moments and lasting hours, when desperation is sitting beside me, waiting for me to fall back into its pit. There are still times when I feel its touch on my shoulder, close enough to reach into my heart and bring me back to the place of huge fears and ominous doubts. And you would never know the weight of this struggle unless you yourself have been in a relationship with desperation.

Our biggest weapon against something so untouchable is to acknowledge that it even exists. To remain silent about something so deadly is like sending cancer to your soul. If you don't reach for someone, yell out in despair, no one will ever know how deep, frightened and scared you really are. Then, they'll help you, especially if they recognize those moments.

And then, choose the light thoughts. Choose the thoughts that remind you that we are never left to die in these places. Remind yourself that a boat, even in high, rising, treacherous waters, can be saved, untouched, and unharmed. A man, in the belly of a fish, can be saved, untouched, and unharmed. Remind yourself that despair is an emotion known to man, known to God, and you may think you’re far from God, but you never are.

Desperation blinds reason. Desperation is one of the most powerful weapons the enemy can use, because you'll think you can't see out, you'll think there is no hope, you'll think you're staring at your place of death. But our God is bigger, and there is enough grace for today. Enough grace to rescue you from awful, dark thoughts, enough grace to rescue you from yourself.

2 comments:

  1. Amen, Alyssa. How intimately I am learning this: "But our God is bigger, and there is enough grace for today. Enough grace to rescue you from awful, dark thoughts, enough grace to rescue you from yourself." Thank you, thank you, thank you. So beautiful to know we are not alone in this!

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  2. Amen. What's really beautiful, Sarah, is how and when we learn these things. We never all learn them at the same time but, instead, at the exact perfect time. And sometimes together. :) Beautiful, beautiful.

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