why believe?

I have a co-worker who could be categorized as the leader of all Type-A people in every village, on every continent. I'm quite certain she discovered the theory alongside Mr. Goldsmith. Don't get me wrong, I know we need these types. I'll even say there is a side of me that has a few A tendencies. But because of her need to know all of the ins and outs of all things, she likes to ask questions. Most of them are about computer systems and paperwork and legalities. But last week she asked me, "what is it about God you believe in?"

She went even further to say that god is just a term used for something bigger, something more, so she wanted to what qualities the god I know possesses that makes me believe in a god. She was curious how to believe in something that seemed imaginary.

I paused. Not a 'how should I really answer this' kind of pause, but the kind of pause that means there are a million answers to such a short question. There are hours of reading and writing, days of coffee dates and phone calls to even begin to help someone else understand what qualities God has that makes me believe.

My answer was something like, 'I believe in His divine plan for me, I believe He created me, and I believe I'm insufficient on my own.'

She scoffed off the answer, so sure that there has to be a more methodical, outlined, scientific answer. The truth is, for me, some days believing in God is just what I do. I don't ask questions or look around for answers because, well, I just know. I know He is there, or here, rather. I know He made me, I know He has a plan, and I know there is no alternative to Him. I don't have to ask because I know He holds the answers; holds them out of my reach so that I'll rely on Him instead of solving it all on my own. But my answer today, when I went back to her and apologized for a robotic answer to her sincere question, was something more like,

"I believe in His love. You want to know what about God makes me believe in Him, and I say it's His love. There is no question to me how God loves me, why He loves, how much He loves me, because I know it. Because I've seen it."

I know God's love, now, because He has carried me through depths and mounts indescribable. When I moved to Denver a few years ago, I did not know one single person. I accepted a job and moved into an apartment and dove in. I met a hygienist at my workplace, and she sent me to Southeast Christian Church in Parker because she went there a couple times and thought I might like it. I went alone and sat alone, and got an email from Alli Dunham a week later. I ended up at her house for a college-age, young girls Bible study.

Now, a few years later, that same Alli is the one who sat with me during moments of despair and shame and hopelessness. That same Alli is the one rejoicing in my triumphs and still holding me in moments of trouble. That same Alli, along with her husband, befriends me and my husband and keeps us focused on what is real and true. That same Alli is the one I bonded with so quickly, respect so deeply, and admire in a million ways.

Three years ago I wouldn't have predicted this path, or even asked for it. But how can I not look at the friend I have, the accountability, the honesty, and the love I have in a person I met three years ago, by chance, and not see that God was taking care of me ahead of time? And how does a girl look at The Ruler of The Kingdom, who took the time to plan a day in church, a simple meeting, a few months of Bible study, to help her find shelter later on down the road, and not see someone who loves her deeply?

It's His love I believe in because there is nothing greater, more powerful, or more convincing. I believe in His love because it has saved me from making bad decisions, and held me even when I did make them. It has led me to paths of happiness and joy. It is a love is so deep and so wide that it covers every minute in every hour of every day. I am consumed by the lyrics of a song, the words of a verse, and the scenery of His creation, all reminding me that He adores me.

And I never understood being carried, not really, until I sought His love and His love alone, because I was so distraught by everything else in my life. I had nowhere else to turn, but into something I wanted more than anything else; to really know His love. And then, He carried me through all of it. He has placed me back on dry land, telling me He loves me all along the way. And here in this new place, and in every day, that's enough. To make me believe, to help me believe, that's truly enough.