uncertain

"The quality of your life is a direct reflection of the amount of uncertainty you can handle."

I don't remember who said it, but I remember very well where I was when I heard it. The man on the radio had heard it through an email and was passing it along to all of his listeners. He mentioned that the man who said it was not a Christian, but that the statement was so full of faith that he could hardly believe that was true.

I was driving to work. The day before we had a client come in, claiming they had a meeting scheduled with us, but I had no paperwork or room set up or granola bars and yogurts ready to be wheeled out. This client was just as much of a surprise to me as they were the rest of our staff. Alex had just learned his job would be laying off more people. We were in week 5 of our marriage counseling, and I was still in that place of fear and questioning. I was angry and frustrated and sad.

Mostly, though, I was uncertain if I would still have a job by the end of that day. I was uncertain if Alex would be able to find another job, especially after such a great struggle just to find the first one. I was uncertain if my marriage was reconcilable, or if we were doomed from the beginning. I was uncertain if counseling was helping, if I was still doing something wrong, if I was so much of a mess that I'd be deemed hopeless, and if God was still anywhere near, waiting to rescue me.

All of this uncertainty was fueling the fear that I had already been facing. It was causing my fleshy-side (the side I'll often refer to as the one that tries to crush my spirit-side, the one that wants to be faithful and holy betrothed) to question my God, my purpose and my faith.

Uncertainty can certainly be one of the worst enemies we face, if we let it.

I'm sure the man who originally said this wise thing was targeting humans in this world who are not so 'go-with-the-flow'. He probably meant to tell people, 'Hey, take it easy, don't worry so much, things will be fine.' But what I hear is more like,

'God is uncertain. He is all-knowing, and that's mind boggling. He created everything because He existed before everything, and that's just a mind blower, too. And He's got this kingdom; a kingdom that is so majestic, so full of love, that we cannot even draw pictures close to what it will look like. And He keeps things from us, things that would tell us all we need to know about tomorrow and next year and 50 years later, even though He knows, because He also knows that it is better this way. And now, you're really trying to wrap your head around it. Don't. Stop it. Life is uncertain, it always will be, but God knows it's better this way.'

I can't imagine not knowing my God. I can't imagine having to face uncertainty without faith. If I was uncertain that things would be okay, and I had no Father to rely on to make them okay, what on earth would I do with all of my dark thoughts?

If I can learn to be okay with uncertain, because it is part of His great plan, my life will be filled with joy and happiness. My quality of life will no longer just be a box of chocolates, but a box of chocolates with truffles and sprinkles and love notes. If I can learn to handle the uncertainty, I'll be learning how to just lean; lean into God and His plan, His understanding, and His truth and Heaven that He promises me.