Tuesday, January 24

there is a strength

Yesterday, I ran my first 2 miles. All the way through, start to finish.

Before you scoff this off as no big deal, please keep in mind that I was the high-schooler painfully and overdramatically whining the day we had to run ONE mile for gym as our final. I did not run in volleyball, or track or even P.E., I just didn't.

But running, after high school, always looked so freeing to me. The runners always seemed happy, content and, most of all, ridding themselves of all the stress and junk from the week. Plus, they always looked in great shape. I wanted to be in great shape, I was just too stubborn and lazy in high school to want to work for that shape.

And when I decided to start running I did that routine; run a few, walk a few. I just couldn't muster up the strength to continuously jog. But it's funny what strength does for you. It's funny what a personal battle can do for your physical battle.

It was only three or four weeks ago that I was lying in bed, crying tears of honest fear and pain, that I said to Alex, "I just can't do this. I'm not strong enough, I can't handle anymore. I'll never make it." And I really believed that. I didn't know how I was going to stay in that dark place and never come out, but I was certain I wouldn't. I figured I would die there. I figured I would be cold as stone, emotionless and broken; kind of like a zombie, or someone who hasn't been out of her cave in decades. It didn't make logical sense, but I didn't think I would get out alive.

But something happened. My heart was changed and my heaviness was taken away. I can't remember the exact moment or the words that changed my perspective. I can't even remember the day I decided to live. But I’m living today. The memory of those days often rears its head, but I’m living through it. I feel stronger than those memories.

Addison Road sings about being lost in storms like these...

When my life is like a storm, rising waters, all I want is the shore...
How quickly I forget I'm Yours...
When the world has broken me down, Your love sets me free...
I've been carried by You all my life

All I wanted was shore, all I wanted was freedom from the pain and the hurt and the confusion.
And how quickly did I forget who I belong to...
But His love set me free, carried me out of the depths and brought me to His shore.

I kept repeating, “I AM strong enough. I AM strong”. And I made it through. I made it through a fight I never thought I'd survive. I even made it through 2 simple miles.

And it wasn't even about the 2 simple miles yesterday. It was about how I felt at the end. I felt strong, I felt free. There is a strength, a deep, inner, powerful strength that we all have inside of us. It's a strength we've been given, but it's a strength that is reserved.
Reserved for the days that you could never manage on your own.
Reserved for the struggles you’ve never been prepared for.
Reserved for the days you'd rather just surrender and die.

But it's there. It's always there if you're seeking God. He'll show you where it is, and He will guide you to find it and use it.

There's a strength in surviving the battle; a strength that surpasses all understanding and logic. But you’ll know it when you see it, you’ll feel it when it’s there, and you’ll receive it when you pray for it.  

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