Tuesday, April 5

Pacing

Adjustment Disorder.

It has to be a medically diagnosed issue. Somewhere.

Because I have a downright difficult time changing the direction in which I'm headed, the pace in which I'm going, and the tracks that I've already placed ahead of me. I am either perpetually stubborn or...

That's it. I'm stubborn. Because, basically, I'm easily adaptable. I may feel out of place at first or not know where the linen closet is, but once I find it the first time, I can find it with my eyes closed, walking backwards, reciting the alphabet. I can make myself comfortable anywhere and I can surely find a good list of purposes to fill. But then I'm full speed ahead. And pulling me off of that route and tossing me onto a new one shakes up my emotions for a time.

I am a lover and friend of slow paces. I like the easy-going, come what may, safe pace. I like to enjoy my food when I eat it and I don't like to feel the wind so fast that bugs are lodged in my throat before I even see them coming! I like to take the time to smell the daisies. I like a good 80's or 90's film and its slow, gradual plot. I really like a calm, easy song and hours of bubble baths to put my mind at rest. But, for some reason, when it comes to my duties in life, I am full speed ahead.

I blame this, solely and primarily, on my also perpetual impatience. I yearn for the days of ministering and leading young girls or girls in a book club. I yearn for the days of writing for a living. I yearn to be a friend and partner to someone very special. I yearn for a house, with a big back yard to have summer cook-outs with the neighbors and good friends. I yearn for a home to build a family. I yearn for a big, dining room table to feed that family and all of their friends. I yearn to be out of limbo...

And then, I am reminded of the people and families that have lost loved ones. Whether it was recently or years ago, I bet they yearn for a few slow-paced days when there was nothing to do but sit with that person; watch a ball game, grill some burgers, go to the grocery store, or take a nap. I bet they miss the days where there was no agenda, no schedule, no deadline. I bet they just wish for a day in limbo.

I know I do.

Maybe I'll sit and listen, enjoy some time in the quiet and unscheduled, and let the tasks and goals and busyness come later.

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